horst buchholz and other stories:
synopsis and extracts
characters:
|
Rich |
Male |
|
George |
Male |
|
Jules |
Female |
|
Tim |
Male |
|
Quizmaster |
Male/Female |
approximate running time:
40
minutes
synopsis:
George
and his friends enjoy taking part in their local pub quiz. They always bicker
and never win. However, this time, for George, the stakes have been raised when
a bet is made with another team. Defeat, therefore, is not an option.
As
Jules and Rich’s relationship starts to fall apart and teacher Tim takes every
opportunity to mark school work, George remains intent on keeping the team
together and winning the quiz. But at
what cost …
The
plays follows this one evening at the pub quiz, interspersed with four
‘stories’ told by each of the characters.
extract one:
Rich, George, Jules and Tim stand and stare out into the audience, whom they address directly.
Jules
The
rules are simple …
Tim
A
dozen or so teams of …
Rich
Four …
George Five …
Jules
Or
even six …
Tim
One
pound per person.
Rich
…
battling it out for a pool of money …
George Winner
takes all.
Jules
Each
team with its own witty name …
Tim
“The Moody Booze” …
Rich
“Unusual
Suspects” …
George “The
William G Stewart Appreciation Society” …
Jules
“The
Flying Underpants” …
Tim
Don’t
ask.
Rich
And us
…
George George
…
Jules
Jules
…
Rich
Rich …
Tim
Tim …
George And
Anne.
Jules
She’s
ill today.
Tim
“The
Infamous Five.”
George I
thought of that.
Jules
Hilarious,
isn’t it?
Tim
Twenty
questions …
Rich
Two
points for each correct answer …
George … on
an array of subjects …
Jules
Geography
…
Tim
Sport
…
Rich
Music
…
George Trivia.
Beat.
Jules
Ladies
and gentlemen …
Rich
Boys
and girls …
Tim
We
give you …
George The
pub quiz.
Beat.
Jules
Question
one …
Tim
The easy
…
Rich
What
is a fedora?
All
A hat!
George Two …
Jules
The
difficult …
Tim
Which
TV secret agent’s name was Paul Metcalfe?
|
George
It’s … |
Jules
Uh … |
Rich Erm … |
|
George
No … |
Tim
Oh … |
Rich
Captain
Scarlet?
George Three
…
Jules
And
the multiple answer …
Tim
Which
four tournaments make up golf’s Grand Slam?
Rich
The
Open …
George US
Open …
Jules
US
Masters …
Tim
US
PGA.
Beat.
Rich
And
remember …
George No
cheating …
Jules
No
copying …
Tim
No phone-a-friend
…
Rich
Every
Sunday.
George Eight
pm.
Jules
Don’t
forget …
Tim
… and don’t be late
Rich
So?
Jules
Ready?
George
Let’s go …
extract two:
Jules
stands alone and addresses
the audience.
Jules
“The
photograph”.
Beat.
We had tried to speak earlier … I tried to talk to him … he
got in a mood … said it was all in my head … what was wrong with me? What was my problem? What was my fucking problem …
Beat.
I tried to explain.
Rich, you seem distant … things that you used to like … seem to annoy
you now … how I iron your shirts … butter your toast … kiss you on the back of
your neck as you drift off to sleep.
You know? None of it seems good enough
…
Beat.
And he shrugged and I got upset … picked up my picture and
threw it at him … hit the wardrobe and the frame smashed on the floor. He looked at it … looked at me … hold me, I
thought … he looked at me, then left.
Beat.
“Better get ready”, he said, “We need to get going …”
Beat.
And I sat there on the floor. Glass splinters in my fingers … picture ripped … blood stained …
tear stained … damaged.
Pause.
I like geography questions. I did a degree in it and got a first. I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to tell everyone … anyone … call
them and tell them how I had done, but … but, who to ring? Who to ring …
Beat.
I felt daft. You
know? Standing there. Gown.
Mortar board. Slightly
drunk. My friends all laughing at
me. All in the same boat. We looked so stupid and happy and …
Beat.
You could have your photograph taken too. Everybody went up … with their parents,
brothers, sisters, grandparents. And
then it was my turn.
Beat.
“Do you want your family in it?”, the photographer asked,
“Your parents here?” No, I said, just
me.
Beat.
Just me.
Beat.
And I took up a pose and smiled. Smiled the widest smile I could.
Pause.
I put the photograph in a frame. You know … keep it by my bed and look at it each morning. There’s me and then a space behind each
shoulder …
Beat.
That’s where Mum and Dad would have been. That’s where Mum and Dad are.
Beat.
Ripped. Blood
stained. Tear stained. Damaged.
extract three:
The pub quiz is in full flow
…
Quizmaster Question
seven. Name the actors who portrayed
the original Magnificent Seven. One
point for each.
George A
seven pointer … should be easy … Yul Brynner …
George
writes them down as they say them.
Rich
…
yeah, James Coburn …
George …
James Coburn … Robert Vaughan, Charles Bronson, Brad Dexter … always a tricky
one …
Jules … Lee
Van Cleef …
Tim
… Steve
McQueen …
George Hold
on … Lee Van Cleef wasn’t in The Magnificent Seven …
Jules
He was
…
Rich
No,
Jules, George is right … he wasn’t.
Jules
Don’t
you start on me again …
George He may
have been in one of the sequels but he wasn’t in the original.
Jules
Lee
Marvin, then?
Rich
He was
in the Dirty Dozen.
Jules
glares at Rich.
Jules
Are
you sure it isn’t Lee Van Cleef?
Rich
Yeah …
George Yes. Definitely … it’s Brynner, Coburn, Vaughan …
Bronson, Dexter, McQueen …
Jules
Van
Cleef …
George It is
not Lee Van Cleef!
Jules
Well,
who is it then, smart arse?
George
It’s …
Pause.
It’ll
come to me. We could do with Anne here …
Jules
If you
don’t know, you may as well write down Lee Van Cleef …
George I’m
not going to write it down when I know that it’s not the right answer …
© Matthew Wilkie
47 West Avenue, Farnham, Surrey, GU9 0RB, England
Tel:07710 505806 (+44 7710 505806)
Email: matthew.wilkie@ntlworld.com
Click
here to link to www.matthewwilkie.co.uk.